I have been seriously slacking on keeping up here…I went through another hard spell where I couldn’t even find the passion to write. Things have happened as they do in life. I keep learning more and more about people I thought I’ve known my whole life. Many in my life don’t understand me right now as I don’t even understand myself…I finally gave in and started the process of new medications and a new therapist. Due to financial concerns I am working with the county to do this. So it is a very slow process…Every appointment is a month away. I am just trying to get through to each one. I seriously need tools to cope with what they think may be bipolar illness. I don’t know for sure if that is what it is but I know now it is something.
Custody arrangements have changed between the kids dad and I as he has moved back from California. He will be having them every weekend which I am hoping will help me be able to have time to breathe and do things that I need to be doing to take care of myself. I am just ragged. Over sensitive to everything that is going on around me. Reduced to a person I do not like.
I realize some people are “worried” about me. They sure have a strange way of showing it. What I do NOT need right now is more stress, more feeling like I have to defend myself from people that are supposed to care for me. I have made some decisions to end some unhealthy and stressful relationships. My plate has been full for so long and things are going to have to move around or come off. I do not regret making my life a little easier. Everyone has an opinion, advice, what works best, what I should be doing, what I’m not doing right, what they wish I was doing and if I don’t do these things I get talked about when I’m not there to be included in the conversation. This does not help in the least and really shows a lack of integrity. Slowly, I am realizing this and letting go of the things that trigger attacks or depressive episodes. I wasn’t aware of this before and it caused a great deal of instability and pain. I’ve had enough pain to last a darn lifetime. So good riddance to that. The small group that I allow into my heart has earned their place there. It basically includes my family and a select few friends. That is what I need right now to get better. I’m hoping to meet people in my therapy groups. People that understand instead of judge, people that have have been humbled by their struggle and genuinely want to help. That is what I hope to be to a new friend.
There are more things to be done, more relationships to examine. Life is a journey and I’m finally learning and letting it be OK to take care of me. I haven’t done a very good job because I feel guilty doing things for myself. Lots of changes in paradigms I’ve carried way too long.
My best boy buddy is coming to live with me for awhile. He gets here tonight. I received some more bad news about my health. I called him and he scheduled to be at my house by the next week. I have a procedure Thursday and he is going to take care of me after and help with the kids and house. I just can’t do this alone anymore and I am so thankful that he is coming. That is a real friendship. He’s driving here from Minnesota just to take care of me for an outpatient procedure. I love him.
Hoping and praying for good news about my health…moving on and up!!! Thank you to those that have really supported me. Really been there without judgment or rude comments. It means more to me than you know. xoxo
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